Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Lonely? Who me?

Lonely. That is the word the group leader picked to describe me. No, not me, I thought. I have so many friends. I am always working with people. I can't be lonely. That's just not me.

Denial. That was the result from the test that I took when I began the counseling process. No, not me. I am all about the truth. I call things how I see them. How could I score high in denial? What a bogus test!

Despite my initial reaction to being described as lonely and in denial, I began to turn over those ideas in my head.

Could it be true? Was I lonely? Yes, I had friends, but none that I really trusted with my deepest hurts and struggles. I had time for the struggle of others, but didn't let anyone in on mine. And in the meantime, I had become resentful of my husband, miserable in my heart, and unable to move out of the emotional pit I was in.

Wow, I was lonely. I was in denial. How had I missed that?

Denying both my lonely feelings and my responsibility to seek help from others were ongoing and unconscious decisions on my part. I didn't realize what I was doing. And that is how most denial works: the thoughts are there, but get pushed down and ignored, because they are uncomfortable and scary. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism where my brain says, "Don't go there. Can't do that right now. Too painful."

For me, this was where support groups and counseling came in. Because I believed that my problems were too big and bad for me to share, I was alone and stuck until I could find someone I could trust.

When I first began attending a support group, I had some fears. Who were these ladies and could I really trust them to be for me? But, those fears could not keep me away. I had been without anyone to talk to for a very long time. Wild horses couldn't keep me away.

There is a reason Jesus said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." It's because we live with lies. We believe lies the enemy tells us. Lies keep us trapped in fear and isolation. Hello loneliness and denial!

If you have secret pain you are sharing with no one, then you are living and believing a lie. The lie probably says this, "I can make it. I can hang on. I can wait and trust God with this. I don't need to anyone this because they might think ______. " Fill in the blank with your own lie.

It's time to know the truth and be free.

 Are there parts you are keeping hidden from sight? Sin grows in the dark. Find a trustworthy person and let the healing begin.