Friday, February 10, 2012

The Reason I Write


I have an irrepressible urge to write. I don't have to get motivated to do it; it's just there. That doesn't mean my writing is always good or easy or that it always flows. Blood, sweat, and tears are involved. Mostly tears, since I'm a woman.

I have this stuff that God has put in my heart, and it wants to get out. Paul said, "Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel." And I say, "Woe to me if I do not write what God is showing me and teaching me."

Truth be told, I have always written. Always.

I actually enjoyed the writing assignments I had in my school years; term papers being a major exception. My favorite tests were essay questions. I couldn't understand why everyone didn't love them as much as I did.

I kept a diary and later a journal. I took notes. I made lists. I had penpals. I wrote poems. I loved to write. And the thing that I loved most was having my writing read aloud in class. It pushed all my happy buttons! Someone had noticed my writing and thought it was good enough to share . . . out loud . . . with others!

Then came married life, seminary, children, ministry, and I still wrote; but I kept it all to myself. I did rewrite all of my Sunday School lessons for my four and five year olds, but the rest was only for me. Life was busy. And none of my jobs required me to write. So my writing became my way of communicating with God. I could stay focused when I was writing my prayers down. I could remember to pray for all those people that I said I would pray for if I had their names written down to see.


Eventually, writing became my coping method as ministry and marriage became lonely places. When there was no one to talk to about the pain in my life, I could write down my fears, my worries, my anger, my frustrations, my dreams, my desires.

In a very real way, writing was all I had left of myself.

The years continued to pass by and I was lonelier than ever. I would even say I was depressed and without much hope. After all, I had been praying and trusting God to change my husband and save my marriage for years and nothing had really changed; then God in His great mercy stepped in and brought us to the City of Refuge.

COR is a ministry of First Baptist Woodstock to pastors and their families. When the pastor is burned out, kicked out, or has experienced moral failure, where does he turn? Usually, the pastor will move on to another church to serve while all those problems, hurts, and sins go unresolved. COR offers a place of healing, hope, and restoration. (see http://www.souljourney318.com/search/label/City%20of%20Refuge)

It was in this place of healing and restoration that I learned that brokenness is what really connects us to God and to others. If I am good at putting up a front of perfection, people may be impressed with me, but they will not be drawn to me or to the Father. It's my hurts and failures that really resonate with others. Deep down I know I'm not all that. Deep down I know no one else is all that either. When I am finally broken enough to admit my own neediness, sadness, anger, problems, and shortcomings, then that message sings into the hearts of others. Deep down they know the same thing I know.


I'm never surprised when my "desperation and desolation" blogs are the most popular. It's not that misery loves company, but that misery (loneliness) needs to be cut through by the reality that I am not alone in my struggle.

Fast forward through a few years and some good counseling. God began to speak to me about writing for more than just myself. And this blog was started. (By the way, my husband does the editing, and does it well!)

My blog is still read by friends and family, mostly. Once in awhile a stranger will stumble upon it and share a comment. I am blessed. Whether the blog becomes a "thing" or not, I know that I am doing what God has called me to do. God is pouring into me and I am pouring it out to you.

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-5, The Message

In the movie "Chariots of Fire", the main character Eric Liddell tells his sister, "I believe that God made me for a purpose. But He also made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure." In my life, I also believe I am made for a purpose. But He also gave me the gift of words, and when I write, I feel His pleasure.




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