Then there are the times when I may have a moment to write, but feel as if I have nothing to say. Those times are very frustrating to me because the moments of undisturbed quiet are so rare for this mom. When I have one I just want to be able to pour out all the things God has been teaching me and yet the words aren't coming.
Right now, it is 3:45 a.m. and I have that quiet moment. I am struggling with emotions, rather than words. And I thought to myself, "I can't write my blog while I am feeling like this!"
And a still small voice quietly asked, "Why not?"
And I said, "I'm not feeling all that grateful right now. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling tired. Who wants to hear that?"
And God said, "I do. Pour it out. I can handle it. I am not afraid of your anger. I am not afraid of what you are like at your worst moments. I am God and I am big enough to handle you."
Just hearing those words in my heart and mind put me at ease. Suddenly, I am changed. Yes, some of the emotions are still there, but along with that is a gift of peace. I can pour it out. I can tell the truth. I can be completely known and this Jesus isn't going to run or back away. He is strong enough to handle my emotions and my distress. I am grateful.
I know I can't always tell others how I am feeling. Everyone asks, "How are you?" But I understand that in most cases that is not a genuine inquiry about my condition. Rather, it is a social phrase to which I am to respond with something short and untroubled. Usually, "Fine" or "Good, thanks" is what I say. If I am not fine, I do try to be honest without losing the social context of the question. "I've been better," is one of my lines in those times.
But, to be able to really talk to a Friend and to let Him know what it's like; to be able to speak all the thoughts, which my Father already knows; to pour it all out like water before Him and to hear His quieting and restful words . . . that is peace and joy. That is my strength and salvation.
Thank you, Father, that You are strong and mighty. You are powerful. You know my needs and You know my fears. You know me completely and yet, Your love for me is not changed.
"Say to my soul, 'I am your salvation.'"